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XIR.croom
4 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 4068
Location: SHA/Tschermenie
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 Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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--> The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?
"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.
"Well, thash me!"
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:30 am Post subject: |
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A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite
fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark
with his favorite fishing guide. One day the
guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the
honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into
something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I
love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not
the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how
I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the
only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*); and you know how
I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I
guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with
health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I
just love to fish..."
(*)Mouth rot
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly
collections from all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they
decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get
caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police
what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over
$40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and
stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that
their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods
after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the
money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so
the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da
money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the
deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He
says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and
doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
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XIR.croom
4 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 4068
Location: SHA/Tschermenie
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| Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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--> Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."
--> After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the
Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.
To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him, turns around and yells, "HEY CHARLIE, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!"
--> Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"
The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of f*cking Talent."
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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Eeeeeeeeeek!  That whorehouse one is nasty! 
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:52 am Post subject: |
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2005 7:59 am Post subject: |
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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for
her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the
black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a
blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in
the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She
tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how
much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another
corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I
noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the
other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I
switched the heads"
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:24 am Post subject: |
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An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his
periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts
beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart
that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to
recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been
hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the
doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that
someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at
all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to
the runway?"
"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you
have to do is follow the instructions of the ground
controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have
all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about
the take-off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the
runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off
we go!"
"But once you're aloft?"
"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight
computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit
the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don't see how you land!"
"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the
airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path.
Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell,
'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane
lands just fine!"
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 8:37 am Post subject: |
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A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap.
He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of
the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandable silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on
the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a
problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man
gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:30 am Post subject: |
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This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During
the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening
he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and
the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young
priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and
says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a
letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear
Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle
from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the
young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying
that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But
the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed,
you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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XIR.[L7]
1 Kilopost
Joined: 20 Apr 2005
Posts: 1457
Location: plymouth UK
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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LOL, nice one Bjoern, i like the bishop one, hehe. 
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:04 am Post subject: |
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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in
a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting
outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process
them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....... for a couple
of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN
get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto
the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a lawyer?
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XIR.croom
4 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 4068
Location: SHA/Tschermenie
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:15 am Post subject: |
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--> Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
--> Speke: Are you there? Are you there? Watt: No, I`m here. Speke: What`s your name? Watt: Watt. Speke: What`s your name? Watt: Watt. Speke: Can`t you hear? What`s your name? Watt: Watt`s my name. Speke: Yes, what`s your name? Watt: My name`s Watt. Speke: I`m asking you. Watt: I`m called Watt! Speke: I don`t know. Watt: I am Mr. Tom Watt! Speke: Oh, I`m sorry. I didn`t understand. Watt: Woh are you? Speke: Speke. Watt: I am speaking. What`s your name? No, it isn`t. My name`s Speke. I want to speak to Day. Watt: You can speak to-day. I can hear you. Speke: I don`t want you to hear me. I want to speak to Day. Watt: At what time? Speke: Now! I want to speak to Day. To Day! To DAY! Watt: It`s to-day now, Speke. Speak, Speke. Speke: But I want to speak to Mr. Henry Day now. Watt: Oh, I`m sorry. You can`t speak to Day to-day. He doesn`t want to speak to Speke to-day. He told me so.
--> Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another fora while. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegeatable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"
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XIR.Xanton
5 Kiloposts
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 5327
Location: Next to Munich, Germany
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| Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:35 am Post subject: |
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Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they
speak to God. God tells the three men that they will need
transportation around Heaven. The type of transportation you
have depends on how faithful you were to your spouse.
So the first man walks up to God and God asks the first man,
"Were you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her
once." God asked the first man, "Exactly how many times did
you cheat on her?"
And the man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times." So God
gave the man a Buick Skylark.
Then God asked the second man the same question and the
second man answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times." So God
gave the man a Honda Accord.
Then God asked the third man the same question. The third
man replied, "I have never cheated on my wife. I have always
been completely faithful to her." So God gave this man a
beautiful convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the
other men in his beautiful sports car. All the other men
were jealous, but they knew that they got what they
deserved.
One day while on the road, the first two men saw the third
man driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they
pulled up next to him and the first man asked, "What's
wrong? You have a gorgeous car! You should be having the
best time of all three of us."
The third man just looked down the road with his mouth wide
open and said, "I just passed my wife on roller skates."
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XIR.Dukeman
Can't Stop Posting
Joined: 17 May 2005
Posts: 873
Location: Switzerland
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| Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:05 am Post subject: |
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I got a Mercedes too!
Should i worry about that Björn?!?
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